by admin | Jan 20, 2020 | Self-kindness
Even when I have been wronged or betrayed, I can look at people through the eyes of our creator and see their innocence and their fear. I can see that it is like my own. God loves each of us.
When I get fed up with negative thoughts, I can work actively to forgive those who cause me pain, keeping in mind that it was not me so much as their fears and insecurities that drove their actions.
If I recognize my humanity and my tendency to believe what my ego tells me about fearing this or that, I can work actively to forgive myself for my mistakes instead of repressing them.
If I can examine myself, my motives and my learned behavior, I can work towards keeping my ego from getting in the way of my developing a conscious connection with my true self.
I start by extending to myself the same compassion I have for those I love. If I can forgive myself, I can forgive others. When I forgive, I am free to focus on my Self, my inner divinity and love and work towards cultivating it in my life.
by admin | Jun 13, 2019 | Self-kindness
I feel complete, somehow, when I’ve been productive and accomplished some items from my list. It doesn’t matter whether they are must-dos, should-dos or just for fun; being productive gives me a comfortable feeling of satisfaction.
Perhaps it is worthiness I seek. Yes, the feeling of unworthiness is at the core of my productivity cycle. That would seem sad to me.
Judging it sad is not the middle way. Again my inner voice finds that I’ve fallen short by judging myself.
When I examine my mind, I find there a stubborn tale of gross defectiveness. I am short of “enough” without something to show for my time. The insidious story of personal lacking drives much of my doing, but recognizing that truth is a start on changing the storyline.
Examination also reveals that doing is often a source of joy, in spite of sometimes having roots of discomfort. Productivity is also necessary. I cannot cut productive action out of my life, but I can gently acknowledge when my motives for such activity include fear of inadequacy. Being gentle would be yet another sign of spiritual progress!
by admin | Jun 5, 2019 | Acceptance, Self-kindness
The question of the day is why don’t I see that I treat others so much better than I treat myself? I understand now that the negative self-talk is deeply entrenched and damaging to my spiritual growth. The funny thing is that when I am able to identify it, I get down on myself for having no self-compassion!! Ha!
I nearly always have the idea that I could have done better. Though I don’t go through life doing things half-heartedly, it is still exceedingly rare that I feel entirely good about a performance or interaction of some type. My norm is to pick out what wasn’t perfect and then go over and over it in my mind. I am full of “should haves.” I don’t ever feel like I did the best I could, although I agree with the thought that people do the best they can at the time.
This question of the day comes from my feeling a failure for having anxiety about a situation that I would expect anyone else to have anxiety about. When my friend chided me about my despair that I was having some discomfort and dreams about the situation I am going back into, saying “why is it you think you should be better than everyone else? Anyone in your shoes would be anxious!” My response is that I’ve been working so hard on acceptance and letting go that I should be at peace and relaxed about the situation.
It seems that spiritual growth does not happen on my timetable. It works as it is supposed to. It is quite possible that I have made terrific progress and that it is time for me to take a look at my negative self-talk.
My friend also reminded me that the dread of a situation is always, always, always far worse that the actual experience turns out to be. I know that to be true. My willingness to accept what is may be present one moment and the next I’m trying to plan and control what the universe has in mind for my journey. I believe I may be a human being. I must remind myself that I am worthy of compassion. I likely do the best I can, even if my mind tells me different.
by admin | Apr 24, 2019 | Self-kindness
My husband keeps a bag of mini marshmallows for his hot chocolate on the second shelf of the glasses cabinet. I wish I didn’t know that. Far too many times I have had a craving for sugar and grabbed the bag with the intention of having just a handful but end up finishing the bag. I stop at the grocery at the first opportunity to buy a 99-cent replacement bag of marshmallows, fervently hoping that he doesn’t notice I’ve eaten an entire bag of marshmallows in the interim. I have completed this cycle at least a dozen times. It is a source of shame for me, my binge eating. I tell myself I’m just going to have a few, but I keep coming back until they’re gone, usually within an hour of giving in to the initial craving.
The best time to grab a replacement bag of marshmallows is on my way home from working out at about 7:30 a.m. The last time I made that purchase, I told on myself with the cashier. I explained why I buying that bag of mini marshmallows and nothing else at 7:30 a.m. I was quite surprised when she completely understood the predicament and the cycle that was ending with the cover-up purchase. A nearby employee jumped in the conversation with agreement. We laughed about it together.
My self-talk softened noticeably around that shameful behavior. Why random people validating the behavior as not so strange made such a big difference in my mind, I am not sure. I hadn’t realized until just now that I haven’t had a marshmallow binge since then! It has been 4 months!
On reflection as I write this, I got several insights from that exchange. Being vulnerable didn’t have dangerous consequences for my self-esteem. Validation of my thoughts, feelings and human flaws changed my internal view of them and allowed me to let go of the pain they caused. Honest sharing silenced my self-flagellator. Vulnerability is a powerful tool.
by admin | Apr 16, 2019 | Self-kindness
The last portion of my lovingkindness prayers is “May lovingkindness manifest throughout our lives.” It has to start with gentleness in the way I treat myself and restraint in judging my feelings or thoughts. My negative self-talk isn’t apparent to me unless I purposefully pay attention to it. When I do pay attention to it I mostly cringe at how unloving I am. It is difficult to catch unless I slow down the forward motion of my internal critic. It hasn’t been so long ago that I purposefully started looking for evidence of spiritual growth when I identified my harsh self-talk. If I focus on the improvement I’ve made in beginning to make changes in default reactions that are unproductive, fear-based behaviors learned as a youth, I counter the negativity in my head. I can then sigh deeply, ask my benevolent creator for help working towards a fear-free life.
by admin | Apr 16, 2019 | Self-kindness
When I do things that get me in trouble or cause friction in a relationship, I try to apologize as soon as I can and make note of the circumstances that brought out the behavior. Particularly I have to figure out what fear is at the base of the behavior and look at myself with the same compassion I have for a loved one. Then, I have to let go of the need to punish myself for once again behaving counter to my desires and best interests and re-start from a neutral position. If I can identify the fear, I have a better chance of recognizing it when it comes up the next time and responding differently when it does. I have my share of foibles just as the next guy does and I deserve to be treated with gentleness when I fail to perform–just as I would treat my friends who need to try again, to start over.
