by admin | Sep 4, 2019 | Gratitude List
I am grateful for the ability to reflect on the progress I’ve made in learning my lessons instead of subjecting my psyche to the harsh judge that I often am.
I am grateful for the situation that made me seek a counselor’s help.
I am grateful for the knowledge that God’s plan for me is better than the small plans I have for myself.
I am grateful for the people the universe has put in my journey to teach me what I need to learn to grow spiritually.
I am grateful for the easy love I feel for a few of my closest girlfriends, not competing with them, not envious, just loving.
I am grateful for good sleep and the positive energy that it produces.
by admin | Sep 4, 2019 | Using our Toolbox
Eleanor Roosevelt’s quip, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” is a truism I return to again and again. I still need reminding because the insidious self-doubt comes up when I perceive that I’m being treated without respect for my value as a skilled and stalwart employee with many years’ experience.
Intellectually I know that it is her own insecurity that causes my boss to undermine me and speak to me in a demeaning manner. Acting superior may make her feel superior and boost her ego. She provides a recurring lesson for me to detach from her comments and acknowledge that I want her acceptance and appreciation as a boss.
I have to remind myself that it is natural to want appreciation from my boss and to practice compassion for the suffering I feel. Finally, I have to realize that whatever her perception of me, whether it is what I suppose it to be or something entirely different, I have great value as a creative individual with skill, talent and energy that I need to unleash in another direction.
My goal is to train my mind to let go of connection with my work and silently do as I am told with regard for waste. I need to channel my creativity towards other endeavors–cooking, gardening, reading and learning, and this blog. I must separate my workaday self, who wants to stay in the job for 3 more years, from the beauty and joy of my relationships with people outside of work.
by admin | Jun 19, 2019 | Recognizing Growth
While I am working on accepting that it is a normal human reaction to have apprehension and resentment towards a boss who routinely degrades me, I am also working towards accepting that I need to feel kindheartedness towards her to genuinely reflect a positive attitude. My entrenched response is to push aside unpleasant feelings of hurt, grief, and shame, so it is a tall order to welcome into my body the sensations that these emotions carry and invite their pain into my mind. At the same time, I’m challenged to develop empathy for the boss who dislikes me and has persecuted me.
I can do it with the help of St. Francis’ prayer, which reminds me that my ego permeates my mind with selfish grasping and aversion, neither of which makes for peace, joy, and love. In an anxious state or when I feel the absence of peace, joy, or love, I often use the following portion of his prayer as a mantra. Repeating it to myself restores calm and brings truth to my perspective.
“Let me not so much seek to be consoled, as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love; for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned and it is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.”
by admin | Jun 18, 2019 | Using our Toolbox
I am trying to look at my experience at work as useful suffering–valuable because suffering generates compassion. I’ve been miserly with compassion in this work situation, both self-compassion and compassion for the boss who has oppressed me.
It makes sense that if I sit with my suffering and feel it fully, its grip will eventually loosen and the divine spirit within me will respond with compassion for me and for those who are the cause of my distress. For a few years, I have experienced the suffering of anxiety and fear that my work situation creates in me, yet it remains present. My guess is that I haven’t truly embraced the suffering and deliberately let the fear and anxiety flow in my body. Instead, I berate myself for failing to accept the situation as it is and let go of the need for any return other than a paycheck from my current career. So far, many months of diligent work on acceptance, letting go of my ego’s thoughts, and praying for my boss’ happiness and peace has not provided the relief I expected, and maybe that’s because I lack compassion for my suffering.
Tara Brock suggests the prayer “May this suffering awaken compassion.” With constancy and focus, I can learn what it means to sit with the grief and fear that my work situation engenders and awaken the compassion in my soul for my human emotions and for my boss’ human emotions. I will begin with “May I be willing to learn how to embrace my pain as a means of spiritual progress.” Patience and adherence to the middle road will be important in this endeavor, but I am confident that acknowledging the deep hurt I feel will nurture tender thoughts, self-compassion, and compassion for my fellow journeyers.
by admin | Jun 18, 2019 | Lifted Prayers
I’ve worked diligently to find loving acceptance in my heart for the boss who continues to harm me, knowing that I am not the source of her insecurities and fears. I am someone she can kick around because she is the boss. It may not give her any particular pleasure to bully me, but it keeps her illusion of control alive and tormenting thoughts of inadequacy at bay.
For years I have repeatedly prayed that she experience God’s grace, that she be happy and at peace, that she be free of fear. I have seen marvelous transformation in my perception and attitude towards others I’ve resented, so I know that commitment to prayerful thoughts of this nature works in due course. I feel genuine sympathy for her unhappiness, but my need for her to acknowledge my worth remains forefront. I don’t expect her to change, and my ego stands in the way of being fully willing to love her as a fellow human being. Still, I remember that it takes a long time to change the course of an ocean liner. I have only been aware for a few months of my ego’s detrimental effect on my ability to develop loving-kindness towards her. The ship could well be righting itself. I hope so–my equilibrium is off.
