The question of the day is why don’t I see that I treat others so much better than I treat myself? I understand now that the negative self-talk is deeply entrenched and damaging to my spiritual growth. The funny thing is that when I am able to identify it, I get down on myself for having no self-compassion!! Ha!
I nearly always have the idea that I could have done better. Though I don’t go through life doing things half-heartedly, it is still exceedingly rare that I feel entirely good about a performance or interaction of some type. My norm is to pick out what wasn’t perfect and then go over and over it in my mind. I am full of “should haves.” I don’t ever feel like I did the best I could, although I agree with the thought that people do the best they can at the time.
This question of the day comes from my feeling a failure for having anxiety about a situation that I would expect anyone else to have anxiety about. When my friend chided me about my despair that I was having some discomfort and dreams about the situation I am going back into, saying “why is it you think you should be better than everyone else? Anyone in your shoes would be anxious!” My response is that I’ve been working so hard on acceptance and letting go that I should be at peace and relaxed about the situation.
It seems that spiritual growth does not happen on my timetable. It works as it is supposed to. It is quite possible that I have made terrific progress and that it is time for me to take a look at my negative self-talk.
My friend also reminded me that the dread of a situation is always, always, always far worse that the actual experience turns out to be. I know that to be true. My willingness to accept what is may be present one moment and the next I’m trying to plan and control what the universe has in mind for my journey. I believe I may be a human being. I must remind myself that I am worthy of compassion. I likely do the best I can, even if my mind tells me different.