Select Page
My thoughts rob me of pleasure

My thoughts rob me of pleasure

From time to time up with, when I’m doing something frivolous just for the fun of it, I feel guilty for wasting time. This afternoon playing with the dogs is a ready example. I was throwing the ball for them to chase. Instead of enjoying the play, my mind refused to let go of keeping me on task with productive activity. I’m having thoughts that I need to get out to the garden and start working because it’s going to get hot soon and there is a lot to do. The guilt is sick thinking as I analyze it. My garden is not supposed to be a chore. It is not for our sustenance as much as it is for my joy. If I remain present in the moment, I experience the joy of watching the dogs’ excitement and competitiveness, feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, hear the birds and the breeze in the trees, see the lake and the rippling surface. I have to concentrate on awareness of where my mind is to realize that I am on the next project instead of giving my full attention to the wonder of the moment.

Isn’t each moment truly a wonder when I am fully present? Isn’t that when I feel at ease, grateful for my countless blessings and neither striving nor avoiding anything? And since I know this to be true, why does my mind try to hurry past the present to a productive occupation?

Becoming aware of the tendency of my mind to shun the present moment is a big step towards remaining in the now. The now is all that is real. My perceptions color thoughts of the past and future, and many of them are faulty, ridiculous, and detrimental to my happiness. A few may be useful, but they too should take a back seat to my current pleasure. None of the thoughts of past or future help me relax and enjoy the pleasure of now. Writing this, I am committing to staying more vigilant of thoughts that hamper my ability to experience the now.

Vulnerability is a powerful tool

Vulnerability is a powerful tool

My husband keeps a bag of mini marshmallows for his hot chocolate on the second shelf of the glasses cabinet.  I wish I didn’t know that.  Far too many times I have had a craving for sugar and grabbed the bag with the intention of having just a handful but end up finishing the bag.  I stop at the grocery at the first opportunity to buy a 99-cent replacement bag of marshmallows, fervently hoping that he doesn’t notice I’ve eaten an entire bag of marshmallows in the interim.  I have completed this cycle at least a dozen times.  It is a source of shame for me, my binge eating.  I tell myself I’m just going to have a few, but I keep coming back until they’re gone, usually within an hour of giving in to the initial craving.

The best time to grab a replacement bag of marshmallows is on my way home from working out at about 7:30 a.m.  The last time I made that purchase, I told on myself with the cashier.  I explained why I buying that bag of mini marshmallows and nothing else at 7:30 a.m.   I was quite surprised when she completely understood the predicament and the cycle that was ending with the cover-up purchase.  A nearby employee jumped in the conversation with agreement.  We laughed about it together.

My self-talk softened noticeably around that shameful behavior.  Why random people validating the behavior as not so strange made such a big difference in my mind, I am not sure.  I hadn’t realized until just now that I haven’t had a marshmallow binge since then!  It has been 4 months!

On reflection as I write this, I got several insights from that exchange.  Being vulnerable didn’t have dangerous consequences for my self-esteem.  Validation of my thoughts, feelings and human flaws changed my internal view of them and allowed me to let go of the pain they caused.  Honest sharing silenced my self-flagellator.  Vulnerability is a powerful tool.

The flow of the universe

The flow of the universe

It often happens that when I am attentive, the message I need to hear is unequivocally delivered to me.  It was when I happened to hear this quote this morning: “Going with the flow is responding to cues from the universe. It’s not about sitting back and waiting for things to happen. It’s a mindful trust and complete collaboration with what is present here and now.” –Deepak Chopra.  I will commit these words to memory and use them in my prayers lifted in an attempt to experience oneness with all that is.

Towards a fear-free life

Towards a fear-free life

The last portion of my lovingkindness prayers is “May lovingkindness manifest throughout our lives.” It has to start with gentleness in the way I treat myself and restraint in judging my feelings or thoughts. My negative self-talk isn’t apparent to me unless I purposefully pay attention to it. When I do pay attention to it I mostly cringe at how unloving I am. It is difficult to catch unless I slow down the forward motion of my internal critic. It hasn’t been so long ago that I purposefully started looking for evidence of spiritual growth when I identified my harsh self-talk. If I focus on the improvement I’ve made in beginning to make changes in default reactions that are unproductive, fear-based behaviors learned as a youth, I counter the negativity in my head. I can then sigh deeply, ask my benevolent creator for help working towards a fear-free life.

Starting over

Starting over

When I do things that get me in trouble or cause friction in a relationship, I try to apologize as soon as I can and make note of the circumstances that brought out the behavior. Particularly I have to figure out what fear is at the base of the behavior and look at myself with the same compassion I have for a loved one. Then, I have to let go of the need to punish myself for once again behaving counter to my desires and best interests and re-start from a neutral position. If I can identify the fear, I have a better chance of recognizing it when it comes up the next time and responding differently when it does. I have my share of foibles just as the next guy does and I deserve to be treated with gentleness when I fail to perform–just as I would treat my friends who need to try again, to start over.

Manage Services