by admin | Jun 13, 2019 | Letting Go
Doing and accomplishing can be distractions for me to avoid delving into uncomfortable feelings in another area of my life. It works. Meanwhile, I do not feel what I need to feel. Being busy doesn’t allow me to be present with what is. I push it deep inside and pretend it is not there.
I don’t notice that I’m pushing away discomfort. It is as natural and automatic to me as breathing. I only see it when I am mindful or if I later introspectively explore my motives.
If I am not in a position to pause and let the feelings abide in my body and show me where I am, I can purposefully put them in a box and close the lid. I will pull them out when I can give them full attention. Then I can feel what I need to feel and not leave it stuffed.
In a quiet moment, I recall the situation and the sensations that my body felt in the moment will return to be experienced. I can sit with them, appreciate and acknowledge the thoughts that accompany them and the underlying fear. When I see my fear and my human struggle against it, I can more easily let it dissolve.
by admin | Jun 13, 2019 | Self-kindness
I feel complete, somehow, when I’ve been productive and accomplished some items from my list. It doesn’t matter whether they are must-dos, should-dos or just for fun; being productive gives me a comfortable feeling of satisfaction.
Perhaps it is worthiness I seek. Yes, the feeling of unworthiness is at the core of my productivity cycle. That would seem sad to me.
Judging it sad is not the middle way. Again my inner voice finds that I’ve fallen short by judging myself.
When I examine my mind, I find there a stubborn tale of gross defectiveness. I am short of “enough” without something to show for my time. The insidious story of personal lacking drives much of my doing, but recognizing that truth is a start on changing the storyline.
Examination also reveals that doing is often a source of joy, in spite of sometimes having roots of discomfort. Productivity is also necessary. I cannot cut productive action out of my life, but I can gently acknowledge when my motives for such activity include fear of inadequacy. Being gentle would be yet another sign of spiritual progress!
by admin | Jun 11, 2019 | Gratitude List
There’s nothing like a gorgeous weather day to fill my heart with gratitude.
- the feel of my skin as it is caressed by a soft, warm breeze
- the sound of the leaves tossing together high in the trees
- the smile of surprise when spotting a frog who has been quietly wallflowering with the ground
- the feeling of accomplishment that weeding provides
- reminding myself that pulling weeds in my garden is just like what I try to do with the ingrained behaviors I’d be better off without
- remembering to try to label instead of my usual judging of thoughts and feelings
- the staredown I had with a songbird as she sat on her eggs and let me come within 2 feet of her.
- that the bird, as well she should, won the staredown and stayed put.
- the little butterfly that landed on my thumb and allowed me to examine it closely.
- relaxation
by admin | Jun 6, 2019 | Fear
When was it that I started shunning simple pleasures instead of getting things done? I caught myself doing it this morning. I was lackadaisically staring out the window at the hummingbirds zooming in and out of view as they visited our feeder. I was watching their bodies move, beaks dip in the feeder hole and straighten back up, repeat a few times, and dart off. I realized I was just standing there, and my first thought was that I should be doing something useful. I have things I’d like to accomplish, and they wouldn’t get done idly gazing out the window.
When did enjoying a moment of repose become fodder for judging myself purposeless? When did playing start to make me feel guilty? What was the fear behind my finger-wagging? I can’t say I know what the fear is exactly. It is probably connected to the fear of not being good enough. I don’t know, but catching it this morning was enlightening. I reviewed the list of things I planned to do in my head and thought to myself that only one of those items had any negative consequence if not done today. I certainly had time to experience the joy of watching nature.
I took note of the reaction I’d had, tried to smile at my folly and to make awareness of this tendency a higher priority. I don’t want to miss out on the fun of life while I’m organizing my sock drawer!
by admin | Jun 5, 2019 | Acceptance, Self-kindness
The question of the day is why don’t I see that I treat others so much better than I treat myself? I understand now that the negative self-talk is deeply entrenched and damaging to my spiritual growth. The funny thing is that when I am able to identify it, I get down on myself for having no self-compassion!! Ha!
I nearly always have the idea that I could have done better. Though I don’t go through life doing things half-heartedly, it is still exceedingly rare that I feel entirely good about a performance or interaction of some type. My norm is to pick out what wasn’t perfect and then go over and over it in my mind. I am full of “should haves.” I don’t ever feel like I did the best I could, although I agree with the thought that people do the best they can at the time.
This question of the day comes from my feeling a failure for having anxiety about a situation that I would expect anyone else to have anxiety about. When my friend chided me about my despair that I was having some discomfort and dreams about the situation I am going back into, saying “why is it you think you should be better than everyone else? Anyone in your shoes would be anxious!” My response is that I’ve been working so hard on acceptance and letting go that I should be at peace and relaxed about the situation.
It seems that spiritual growth does not happen on my timetable. It works as it is supposed to. It is quite possible that I have made terrific progress and that it is time for me to take a look at my negative self-talk.
My friend also reminded me that the dread of a situation is always, always, always far worse that the actual experience turns out to be. I know that to be true. My willingness to accept what is may be present one moment and the next I’m trying to plan and control what the universe has in mind for my journey. I believe I may be a human being. I must remind myself that I am worthy of compassion. I likely do the best I can, even if my mind tells me different.
