I’ve worked diligently to find loving acceptance in my heart for the boss who continues to harm me, knowing that I am not the source of her insecurities and fears. I am someone she can kick around because she is the boss. It may not give her any particular pleasure to bully me, but it keeps her illusion of control alive and tormenting thoughts of inadequacy at bay.
For years I have repeatedly prayed that she experience God’s grace, that she be happy and at peace, that she be free of fear. I have seen marvelous transformation in my perception and attitude towards others I’ve resented, so I know that commitment to prayerful thoughts of this nature works in due course. I feel genuine sympathy for her unhappiness, but my need for her to acknowledge my worth remains forefront. I don’t expect her to change, and my ego stands in the way of being fully willing to love her as a fellow human being. Still, I remember that it takes a long time to change the course of an ocean liner. I have only been aware for a few months of my ego’s detrimental effect on my ability to develop loving-kindness towards her. The ship could well be righting itself. I hope so–my equilibrium is off.