My husband keeps a bag of mini marshmallows for his hot chocolate on the second shelf of the glasses cabinet. I wish I didn’t know that. Far too many times I have had a craving for sugar and grabbed the bag with the intention of having just a handful but end up finishing the bag. I stop at the grocery at the first opportunity to buy a 99-cent replacement bag of marshmallows, fervently hoping that he doesn’t notice I’ve eaten an entire bag of marshmallows in the interim. I have completed this cycle at least a dozen times. It is a source of shame for me, my binge eating. I tell myself I’m just going to have a few, but I keep coming back until they’re gone, usually within an hour of giving in to the initial craving.
The best time to grab a replacement bag of marshmallows is on my way home from working out at about 7:30 a.m. The last time I made that purchase, I told on myself with the cashier. I explained why I buying that bag of mini marshmallows and nothing else at 7:30 a.m. I was quite surprised when she completely understood the predicament and the cycle that was ending with the cover-up purchase. A nearby employee jumped in the conversation with agreement. We laughed about it together.
My self-talk softened noticeably around that shameful behavior. Why random people validating the behavior as not so strange made such a big difference in my mind, I am not sure. I hadn’t realized until just now that I haven’t had a marshmallow binge since then! It has been 4 months!
On reflection as I write this, I got several insights from that exchange. Being vulnerable didn’t have dangerous consequences for my self-esteem. Validation of my thoughts, feelings and human flaws changed my internal view of them and allowed me to let go of the pain they caused. Honest sharing silenced my self-flagellator. Vulnerability is a powerful tool.